Military Jokes

Thought you guys might like this one. Post up your favorites!

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O . chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitiation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

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A marine walks in to the head to take a leak, when he's done he walks out and passes a soldier washing his hands. The soldier barks out "you know in the Army they teach us to wash out hands after we take a leak!" the marine calmy responds "you know in the Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Q:Whats green, runs through the jungle and has a IQ of 100?
A: A platoon of Marine infantry

The CIA was looking for new recuits to fill spots for it's most top secret and dangerous jobs. So they sent word out to all the armed forces "Send us your best and brightest" Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines all sent the best they had to offer, and the potential recuits were told to bring 1 family member with them to the CIA headquarters. The first to be interviewed was a Navy SEAL. The CIA agent says to the young SEAL

"congradulations on making it this far in the highering process, you truly are a credit to the Navy. We have just one last test for you. We need to know that we can trust you to carry out any and all orders no matter what. I want you to take this pistol and go in to the next room and shoot your wife"

The SEAL is horrified by this and says "I'm sorry sir but I don't think I'm cut out for this I just love my wife too much"

Next up was an Army Delta team operater who was told the same thing by the CIA agent and gave pretty much the same answere as the SEAL "sorry I just love my wife too much I can't do it"

When the Air Force PJ was presented with this order he almost broke down in tears at the thought of even fireing a weapon at a live human, so the CIA agent was pretty discouraged by the time he got to the last applicant, a Marine force recon Gunnery Sergeant.

CIA agent says "Thanks for comming in gunny we need to know that we can trust you to carry out all orders with out question so I want you to take this pistol and go in to the next room and shoot your wife." The gunny picks up the pistol and says "Rodger that sir" does an about face and walks in the next room. A few seconds later the CIA agent hears BANG BANG BANG. shortly after that he hears chairs being thrown around, lamps being broken, and other sounds of a pretty good fight going on in the next room. A few more seconds go by and the marine walks back in to CIA agents office sets the pistol down on the desk and straitens out his uniform. The CIA agent says "what the hell happend out there?" The marine replys "Sir, some asshole put blanks in that pistol so I had to choke the bitch out."

^ that last always makes me laugh

@ Devil